You are powerful! 

I know it sometimes doesn't feel like it. Parenting teens isn’t easy. As a mom of 4, I know all too well that it often feels like a tightrope walk between nurturing independence and enforcing boundaries. Recently, I came across a powerful Instagram post by a therapist about how parents sometimes inadvertently allow their children to speak to them disrespectfully and what can be done about it. I wanted to share a few insights of my own. These are strategies that have worked for me and might help you create a more peaceful and respectful home environment.

The Power of Respectful Communication and Clear Boundaries

Respect is a two-way street. While it's important for parents to model respectful communication, it's equally important to set and enforce boundaries around how you are treated as a parent. Teens often need clear guidelines to understand what is acceptable and what isn’t, especially when it comes to privileges they enjoy at home. Here are some key principles that can help:

1. Set Clear Expectations:

   • Usage of Household Items: If your teen uses the car, phone, or entertainment devices like a PS4 or Xbox that you provide, it's reasonable to set expectations around their use. For instance, in our home, if you want to use the car, you need to be home by 11:00 PM. If this rule isn’t met, then the car isn't available the next day.

   • Chores and Contributions: Everyone in our house has home jobs. This includes tasks like dishes, emptying the dishwasher, bathroom clean up, or dusting or vacuuming common areas. Contributing to household chores happens first before using the computer, Xbox, or car.

2. Behavioral Consequences:

   • Respectful Communication: If my teens talk disrespectfully, their phone is taken away. This isn't about punishment but about teaching them that positive communication is vital, and I don’t want them to embarrass themselves by talking disrespectfully to others.

   • Responsibility and Accountability: If they don’t get off the Xbox when asked, they lose access the next day. If they arrange a sleepover without informing us, the car privileges are revoked for three days.

Being Fair and Clear

It's important to communicate your expectations and the consequences clearly and fairly. Teens value fairness, so explaining the rationale behind your rules can help them understand and accept them better. Here’s what’s worked for me:

• Consistency: Stick to the rules consistently. Inconsistent enforcement can lead to confusion and rebellion.

• Communication: Regularly discuss why these boundaries are in place. For example, explain that being home by 11:00 PM is for safety reasons, not just a curfew. We need to know where you are.

• Flexibility: Be open to renegotiation. Sometimes, what seemed fair initially might need adjustment. Open dialogues can help refine the rules and foster mutual respect.

The Bigger Picture

Ultimately, these boundaries and expectations are about more than just rules; they’re about creating a home environment where respect and responsibility are foundational. This approach has had several benefits we enjoy as a family:

• Trust and Safety: When my teens know what to expect, they feel safer and more secure. They trust that the rules are there for their benefit, not just to control them. 

• Long-Term Respect: By standing your ground respectfully and consistently, your teens will likely respect you more in the long run. They’ll see the value in these lessons as they grow older and become more independent.

As a Personal Reflection

I admit that I haven’t always handled things perfectly. There have been times when I’ve been harsh, and it hasn’t helped my relationship with my kids. It’s made them less likely to trust me or feel safe talking to me about important issues. Building a relationship based on mutual respect and clear boundaries takes time, but it’s worth the effort.

Sharing and Learning Together

These are some strategies that have worked for me, and I’d love to hear what has worked for you. What boundaries have you set in your home that have helped you keep and maintain peace and respect? I'd love to hear about your experiences. Let's support each other in this challenging yet rewarding journey of parenting teens.

Wishing you peace and strength,

Julie Burningham
Shine Bright Life Coaching