Back in 98 my parents and I saw a pianist that was playing at a restaurant. Her music was beautiful. We were looking for someone to play at my wedding and she was perfect. She did a wonderful job and we were very happy to have her.

Later when I was looking for a summer job I thought about this pianist and how great it would be to have a job like that. I put together reception lists of people I could call and put a set list of music I could play together in a book. I even made business cards. But every time I thought about putting myself out there I would think, “anyone can do this. Why would I want to?” and “you are a fraud. No one will believe you are a professional”.

I thought that as I sat at the piano for hours playing for people, I might get bored and the truth was I didn’t want to take the risk and really commit. So I got a regular summer job working at a Nursery selling plants and I stuffed my dream until the next time it came up. Over and over again for 20 years.

The problem with believing fear is that it doesn’t give you another option. It just says to not to. And so, instead of being free, prison walls were built instead. By me. Because I believed the lie, I could no longer live. It felt dead. It felt as though there were no choices left, and so I just gave up. I became a victim… because of a lie.

I don’t say these things to criticize myself. There have been things I have been doing. I have a family with four awesome kids and a great supportive husband. I work hard at being a mom. It’s nothing to sniff at. It has been a lot of hard work. I have been trying my best to live the way I believe. But a dream is a dream and should be listened to no matter how scared I feel.

Now at 40 years old, here I am. The dream is still there. And I’m going after it. The fear is very much present. But this time I am not allowing it to stop me. I want something more and I believe in it. As I have taken steps to create what I want, I have become less and less afraid. There is an acceptance that roadblocks come up and I just figure out a way to overcome them.

I don’t know anything about advertising, building a website or starting a business, but I am going. I am doing it.

Since going down this road I have created business cards and passed them out at reception centers, built a website, and made recordings of sample music. But as I have talked to people, it turns out that the market for such a thing is mostly dead. People play music from the play lists they have created. Once in a while they will have a brother, cousin, or friend come and play the piano in the winter. But to hire a musician is not seen much. At least not in the last five years or so. Knowing this, it might seem like a bad business decision and to abandon it all together. But at the same time, I feel to go forward. I have many sleepless nights thinking about what I should do next to move forward and still do it anyway. I was meant to perform. Wherever I am. I will give what I have and that is enough. I have been ready for this for 20 years. 

Photo Courtesy of Emily Hansen