My Story day 1

In studying Come Follow Me (2 Kings 17-25), the scattering of Israel hit close to home. I was one of them. I feel to share my story of leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and coming back. It is a journey I hold dear but hope it can help someone out there. So, for the next 5 days, I’ll share my story.

In 2018, I left the church. It wasn't just one thing or one moment. There was a huge sense of discontent. I could find my own way and didn’t need it. I felt I knew so much more and had found my path and followed what I felt was right by my own standards and reasoning. I had been liberated and could make my own choices without constraints of what I should and shouldn’t do. I didn’t need the pressure or feel guilty about what I wasn’t doing because someone said so. Because of an expectation or assignment.

I followed my own path, or commandments or following the light I found in the world that inspired me to be better but left my temple covenants behind. They were not necessary for me to improve or grow. It felt like something I needed to do. Something I needed to try. And no one could stop me. If they tried, I would be distant from them and grow cold towards them. I was protective of what I believed. I didn’t need anyone questioning or being concerned for me or worrying about what I thought or did. I was not outwardly open about how I felt. Even some of my own children didn’t know. My parents certainly didn’t know. But I did. And the Lord did. I had left.

My husband was super patient. We talked about my decisions, and he never tried to convince me. He didn’t manipulate or try to ‘help me see’ a different way. He was accepting and felt peace. He never really worried about it. He still went to church and still served in his calling. And when people would ask about me, he would just say, “church isn’t her thing. She comes for the kids and that’s about it.” It was always just a matter of fact. I didn’t want my choices to impact my kids. So, I served in a calling because I was the choir director because that is what I was studying in school, and I wanted to keep learning and practicing my skills as a conductor. But my heart was not in church.

It was a time in my life where I was questioning everything. My relationships with my parents, and spouse, my life as a stay-at-home mom, as a new student of music. Everything was on the table. I was 40. And I felt a shift, a new sense of freedom to ask questions about everything in my life. And so, it was a midlife crisis so to speak. Religion was just one of the many things I was willing to let go of. And did.

I questioned everything that wanted attention. I was not willing to just believe what came in. I had to understand it and see if it was something I also believed. And if not, it was rejected. But it was also exhausting to have to decide all the time what I believed and didn’t. Not going to church made it easier to not have to decide all the time what came in or out.

But I also began to have dreams and to follow them. I dreamed of being a leader, of going to school, of being a teacher. And I tried to follow all these impressions I received. It was the one way I felt connected. The one way I followed light given to me and it was so important to me that I follow that. Because scriptures and prayer and religion were something I just didn’t do anymore. So I followed dreams.

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My Story Day 2

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Choose Joy