My Story Day 2
Day 2 of my conversion story…
After I left….life got harder. Challenges came up, and I blamed myself for not being a better mom. And I took on all the weight of what was happening as my fault. My friends were very worried about me and where I was emotionally and felt helpless to do anything. During this time I received a blessing telling me to come back to the church. But this only further added to my resistance, and I felt forced to return. Obligated. I felt the fear if I didn’t return, there would be consequences. But I refused Gods help in this and felt if there was any pressure, it would not work. I did not want to return out of fear or obligation.
In September 2019, I was involved in an online life coaching group. I enjoyed being a part of it and loved the community and feeling of being accountable for making progress in my life. I remembered wanting to be a life coach years before, and felt this was a path I desired to explore and learn more about. My husband said if I wanted to be a life coach, that it might be a good idea to get life coaching from someone locally and to contact someone in our neighborhood who was a life coach, to learn more about it and maybe gain some personal experience with it. I agreed this was a good idea and my sessions began Jan. 2020.
I enjoyed the sacred space my coach provided and noticed his easeful unhurried presence. He was intuitive and intentional about what he said and did. And his questions always made me think deeper. I was receptive to most of the things we talked about and tried many things I found helpful and even delight in. But one area he brought up every so often was the idea of returning to church. He did it in a way that was very open and even exploratory. An invitation without any force. I remember his responses when I would put up my walls again. He would good naturedly laugh that it was ok and move on. He was never offended by my opinions. And would sometimes say, “if there was ever a church that had more light, knowledge, power, and truth, I would be a part of it” and “there is so much more you could receive.” These ideas began to take root in me, and I began to be more open to the idea of returning. Something I never thought I would do.
The beginning of March 2020, I had a dream that I desired to have a blessing to know what was right for me. I didn’t want it from anyone I felt might have any sort of agenda or desire for me to be like them. Not from my parents, husband, or bishop. But I desired to know what the right path was for me. And if that was joining the church again, I would be open to it. But I needed to know. So, I asked one of my close friends if he would be willing to do that.
It was a beautiful blessing I continue to cherish. One that I recorded, typed out and carry with me so I can return to it and be reminded. The main points were that God knew me in a deep way and desired to be close to me through my covenants with Him. Those covenants would allow Him to bless me more abundantly. He desired to see me return to His holy house and to return to full activity in the church. But these were invitations without obligation or compulsion, but because I decided for myself that they were what I wanted. The purpose was to have a greater closeness with him and not because if any force or fear of what would happen if I didn’t follow. And in this way, He could bless me and purify my heart and mind to be more in alignment with Him. I learned of His desire to bless me, strengthen me, and help me be my best self and lead me along my specific life path. I remember feeling His great love for me and desire for me to receive more.
To be continued….