My Story Day 4
Restoration story day 4…
As I made these changes, I realized how much resistance I had had. It was as though there had been a dam around my heart so I could not receive those blessings God desired to give me. Not being able to receive also meant not being able to be blessed with His power. I could also not be healed or guided or receive His help or direction. I had become numb and was on my own to figure things out for myself. But my heart began to soften and loosen as was promised in my blessing and I began to awaken to the power of the atonement and of the Savior like I never had before.
I began to pray daily, and read the book of Mormon. I received deeply from that book and was able to finish it later that year. I also took time to learn of covenants through a book by Bruce C Haffen called, “Covenant Hearts; Why Marriage Matters and How to Make it Last”. This book gave me new insights I had not realized about the purpose of covenants and the strength and power they give us and the tender merciful God giving us opportunities to be close to him through them. A unifying power I had not realized. That instead of seeing covenants as something that I felt obligated to do, that I promised to do so I must, it was an opportunity to rely on, and be close to our Heavenly Father and his Son. Being bound to him had new meaning, like being held fast to his protective power and grace, held close like a mother holding an infant. They promise to be with me in it and not just on the sidelines hoping I would succeed. I could see better how They were fighting my battles and together with them I gained new confidence that I could.
The other thing I did during this time was to let go of a lot of the busy things. I created space in my life to receive more. I finished up the semester that spring, and was doing live videos on Facebook daily, creating a website and being involved heavily online. I didn’t have time for depth. For deeper connections with people face to face especially with my family. And so, one by one, I let things go. I let go of my online group that I loved. I began to create space in the mornings to receive the sunrise. I read books on meditation and surrender and put these into practice. I took a more easeful approach to life and allowed things to unfold. Creating space allowed me to feel closer to Them and be guided. I began to notice each experience of life as a teaching moment and lesson to be learned.
One of the things I noticed in this process of coming back was my resistance to receiving healing for leaving in the first place. February 2021, I had an experience with one of my dear old friends where we were talking about the Savior and she asked me to look at a picture of Him and I literally flinched. I felt ashamed of how I had let go of my covenants and rejected Jesus Christ and his precious gift. She talked to me about how I didn’t judge my children for leaving and how He accepted me still. It was a sweet moment of realizing a burden I had been carrying around and to forgive myself and receive His healing power again.
I began to have daily experiences with Him, to purify my heart, and feel Him with me. I noticed my heart loosen and be more open to receiving his healing redeeming power. He helped me see my value and worth and feel his love and grace deeply. I have felt his divine power cover me like a blanket and be wrapped up in His loving embrace. I gained a new appreciation for repentance and the opportunity it offered me to make me clean, to let go of the burdens of ideas and thoughts holding me back. But also to realize new opportunities because of my willingness to let go. I was free to make new choices that honored me and helped me be more myself. I had dreams of him healing my heart and making it clean and pure, of blessing me and helping me feel His love. These sacred experiences were continuous and sweet.
This is me August 4th 2021 on top of a mountain receiving the sunrise and receiving Him and his healing grace once again…
To be continued….